Step 1: Recognize You Are Experiencing an Unpleasant Emotion
- The foundational tool of the RULER method is the Mood Meter. The Mood Meter provides language to begin to understand a fuller range of emotions. The variety of emotions are defined by two factors, energy and pleasantness. High and low energy are measured on the Y or vertical access. High and low pleasantness is measured on the X or horizontal access. This forms 4 groups of emotions: High Energy/High Pleasantness emotions are in the yellow quadrant. These are emotions like joy, bravery, and confidence. High Energy/Low Pleasantness emotions are in the red quadrant. These are emotions like anger, fear and worry. Low Energy/Low Pleasantness emotions are in the blue quadrant. These are emotions like sadness, loneliness, and despair. Low Energy/High Pleasantness emotions are in the green quadrant. These are emotions like peaceful, content, and carefree.
Step 2: Understand the Cause and Consequences of the Emotion
It's helpful to recognize that our emotions come from our thoughts about our circumstances. Our thoughts about our circumstances are indicators of our values, beliefs, and ideals.
Picture two people who get the same grade on a test at school but one is sad and the other relieved. Why do they experience difference emotions? The person who is sad may think, "I thought I would do better" and so he feels sad. The person who feels relieved may think, "I was sure I was going to fail this test" and so he feels relieved.
Our emotions don't come from our circumstances but from our thoughts about our circumstances. Recognizing this helps us reclaim power over our emotions because we can evaluate our thoughts to determine if they are accurate and if they serve our best interests.
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Step 3: Label the Emotion with Nuanced Vocabulary
- An expanded vocabulatry of emotions helps us gain more insight and control of our emotions. Here's an easy way to understand the difference.
- Think of a recent time you felt stressed. Look through the list of emotions below and determine which one best describes the "stress" you experienced: Anxiety - Worry about a future uncertainty and our inability to control what will happen to us. Fear - Palpable sense of danger that lies just ahead and will eventually strike us. Pressure - The force from outside that tells us something important is at stake and whether we succeed or fail will depend on how we perform. Overwhelm - Being overcome by too many thoughts or feelings. Stress - Facing too many demands and fearing we may not be up to it. Now that you have a more nuanced label for your stressful emotion, do you have more insight and feel more in control of the emotion?
Step 4: Express Emotions Within Cultural Norms and Social Context
Relationships with people who we can confide with about how we’re really doing and what we’re really feeling provides a health place to express our feelings. The process of formulating our thoughts about what we’re feeling help us identify and own the experience.
Let’s look at a few of the common people we can express our emotions with that fit within our cultural norms:Family is ideally a place where we can open up about how we’re doing, share our joys and struggles and know it is safe to be vulnerable. Friends are people we can experience life with together. Friendships expand our joy and ease the burden of troubles because we can carry our burdens together.Teachers and Coaches have experience supporting young people through a number of difficult circumstances. They can be helpful sources of support.Counselors and Therapists are trained professionals who can help us understand why we are struggling. They can help us heal emotionally and learn new skills to cope better with challenges.
Step 5: Regulate Emotions with Constructive Strategies
- I like to break Constructive Stategies into three different categories:
- Constructive Actions vs. Destructive Actions - A constructive action is morally neutral or positive. For example, listening to good music, going for a walk or spending time with good friends is constructive.
- A destructive action is morally wrong and causes greater suffering. Getting angry and hurting someone physically or emotionally may make us feel better but it causes pain to others. Looking at pornography may bring temporary relief but it leaves us emotionally and spiritually empty.
- Learn When to Accept Unpleasant Emotions - There will be times when it's appropriate to feel bad. The death of loved ones or a significant loss should make us feel sad. We lost somone or something important to us. The negative emotion reminds us that something is important to us. Trying to avoid large negative feelings can lead us to seek unhealthy buffers. Learn to Process Emotions - Our emotions are felt in our body. The feelings come from neuropeptides flowing into or away from parts of our body. For example, anger sends neuropeptides to our shoulders, head and arms so we want to take aggressive action. Sadness makes neuropeptides flow away from our legs and arms making us feel weak.
- We can process emotions by stopping what we're doing and taking a few slow deep breathes. Then we can continue to breathe in a relaxed way while slowly scanning our body to see where our muscles are activated or deactivated by the flow of neuropeptides. The intensity of the emotion will diminish within a couple minutes.
The Mood Meter was first created by David Caruso and Peter Salovey in 2004. It was enhanced by Dr. Marc Brackett and David Caruso as the centerpiece of the RULER approach to social and emotional learning. It is a helpful way to develop an understanding of the variety of emotions we experience throughout our lives.
When you are learning new strategies to constructively regulate you emotions, it can be helpful to make time throughout the day to "check in" on what you're feeling. The Mood Meter is an excellent tool to help you recognize what emotions you are experiencing.